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stories biography escapes archives


Overview


Bonjour!Welcome to fels` world.This will be all about her, be it bad or good things, life is full of ups and downs isnt it? There will be random posts too occasionally. What about her? nah, figure it out for yourself.peace.

Shush!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
fugly day fugly life fugly times. for one moment, i thought that i`d love to die to run away. but for another, i think...it will be cool if i just stay and face it. but its just...horrible. im tired of all this stuff....yes, school is one small thing, my life is another. hmm..my friends used to tell me that these are challenges to face in life. jayni told me that its part of God`s plan. challenges? plans? im just wondering... why all the plans are just...so frustrating and long. what does it got to do with my friends? i thought his plans are all about me, not about others...like...taking my friends away does not only affect me, but their families too. seriously, what does he want me to be? isit because of me? or what...why he has to make me feel so small...

My home was just...chaotic. gramps fighting like little kids and its bothering me. i dont feel like studying either. i dont know what to do cos if i asked them to stop fighting or smtg, they`ll just...swore back at me. so whatever....and yeah, i decided not to go home after A-math tutoring with camelia, i planned to join jayni and shannen and monica in the promenade rehearsal, thinking that i can study better and have fun...you know...bond with them. but oh too bad, i just dont feel like being high and being a joker at that moment cos of the news last night. really bothering me... and yeah, the crash cymbals dropped and idk why, i just whined about it being bent. i bet she feel like slapping me or smtg....but i know she`s irritated. and yeah..paying fine...of course, but that will mean that its all my fault and i`ll live with guilt and heavy hearts. I`ll pay for it no matter what. fuck fels just spoilt the whole damn day....cos before i came and "spoilt it", three of them were just laughing and being happy, made me realize how good the feelings are to show a sincere smile with happy hearts. but then, cos of me, those smile just gone..and thats y i left early. so, today was not the "happy fels"day after all....

last night was just...the ultimate. i was told that my ex-classmate in indon was killed due to the mud-flood in surabaya. reya called at 1 plus am to tell me about it. another left. so three people, entered my life and left me just like that. i cant sleep the rest of the morning and i just dont have the mood to go to school....

and its just really hurting upon knowing that people are taking advantage of me. i cherished them soo much, happy to know that these people feel my "existence"... but it turns out that they used me...just like a tool, when they`re being ignored, they`ll come to me and being so close to me, as if we are GREAT FRIENDS! just because i never have a crush, doesnt mean that i dont have feelings towards evrybody. its real hurting to know... so if im useless, they`ll just gonna throw me away... if i can be more unfeeling...fuck fuck fuck emotions.

im sorry but i cant resist for not using the word and...i dont know who to turn to right now, where is GOD when disaster struck? wheres my sister who usually doesnt give a shit about my life? where are my parents who supposed to accompany me and provide me with things i need? i just dont want to bother my friends... cos i know they are tired enough with school issues and their OWN life.... and i dont know what else is he gonna take away from me. my friends? my families? my money? my life?

and my friends..they are good people...why you have to take them away form this world? and why cant i just live simply...happily .

all i can do is to lock myself up and feeling helpless...i still believe that He will be there for me, but where is He now?
i shall just die of happiness...